Now is All We Have, But Love Never Dies

“It’s being here now that’s important. There’s no past and there’s no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can’t relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don’t know if there is one.”

– George Harrison

Dear Mommy,

I wrote more than I expected to in the caption for the picture, and it’s for the reader, not you… not that you’re reading this, haha… but sometimes it’s still easier to have the imaginary conversation with you. I miss when we had daily calls and no real news because most of the “necessary” phone calls were not fun or pleasant things, such as hospitalizations and deaths.

When I was growing up, you always knew that if I was making time to talk to you instead of a friend, then I must have needed you. You. I placed absolute trust in you, knowing that you would keep it between us. You used a loving heart and did your best to listen and advise me. And now, as an adult, I feel the blessing of friendships in which my closest friends have shown me their care comes from the same love you have for me. I can probably count them on one hand, but quantity doesn’t matter. You were my only mother. Sometimes one of something is all we need.

I know I am luckier than some… those whose mothers left them wishing for a better mom. I know at times I was one of those daughters, thinking that this friend’s or that friend’s mother was more understanding or more fun or any kind of comparison we often find ourselves making, often only knowing what we perceive and certainly not knowing at the time how each of us is on our own unique path… each of us received what we need… every experience, feeling, thought, or life lesson to contribute to the mission and purpose of our own lives.

Today is your 89th birthday, and this time last year I noted that it was so fitting that your first “birthday in heaven” was 88, like the keys on the piano. Music was one of your passions, one that you passed to your children in the simplest way that we share with those around us by making it a regular part of every day life. Your background was more formal and professional as an accompanist and teacher long before I was born, and as I type this, I realize that when I’m playing the ukulele and singing, it probably comes from the same space in your heart when you felt inclined to sit at the piano and play some of your favorite recital pieces, like Nicanor Abelardo’s First Nocturne. I would not have known this nocturne if it weren’t for you, and if I ever put together a show-don’t-tell short film, this will be the only sound to communicate the essence of visions. Perhaps a six-minute modern dance…

This past year of 88… I hadn’t thought about 88 as an angel number until it began repeating a couple of weeks ago, and I told Huck about it. I had seen a pair of 88s and realized another 88 that had come into my life. I recalled how abundance isn’t always in the way we expect to see or receive it, so I stayed open to the opportunities presented to me through another 88. When I looked up the meaning of angel number 88, the first search result states: “The angel number 88 is a number with a powerful vibration. This number signifies achievement, progress, abundance and success. It is also the number of Karma and the Universal Spiritual Laws of Cause and Effect. This angel number signifies abundance and prosperity in your life.”

So today, right now because that’s all we have, instead of waiting until the end of the month to reflect on this past year, I look back and see that even with the shitshow dumpster fire of a year that it seemed to be for the collective, it was also my personal best year so far. The abundance and prosperity this year in my life came from feeling uncomfortable, taking risks, trusting nudges, traveling paths to find both success and failure, allowing instead of chasing (even though this one is still taking work on my part), abandoning old thought patterns, learning patience… but the greatest truly has been allowing love to guide me.

If your passion for music was part of the legacy you left for me and my brothers, then I hope what I leave for the Keets is my passion for love.

It’s mostly love for humanity, but I feel gratitude every day for being able to love the Keets, Daddy, my brothers, all the family through you and Daddy, and my friends. I’m too lazy to look up that quote, but it’s along the lines of “if one can hate someone they’ve never met, then I can love”.

I definitely am not a Mother Teresa of Calcutta, but one of her most cited quotes is one you lived, the example you set:

“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.”

– Mother Teresa of Calcutta

This year afforded many of us more time with our families. Some families spent time together, and others spent time apart, like the ones whose family members live in retirement communities or healthcare facilities where they kept out visitors to try to reduce residents’ risk of coronavirus. I feel sad for those who couldn’t see the opportunity to learn how to adapt and find appreciation for what matters. And I still feel relieved that you and Daddy did so much that enabled us to honor Daddy’s preference to stay in your house.

Mommy, thank you for showing me how to appreciate the abundance of time as a gift. It allowed me to prosper in ways I didn’t expect and would have overlooked if I had not changed my way of looking at things.

I’ve joked a lot about how the days all seem the same, but when you’re mindfully in the present, the day of the week does seem inconsequential in the biggest of big pictures. The quote from Edmund Mbiaka fits: “When you start to do the things that you truly love, it wouldn’t matter if it is Monday or Friday; you would be excited each morning to work on your passions.”

Today is your birthday. Two weeks from today is your death day. Two years ago at the funeral home, I spoke about your life, the dash between your two dates. I’m still living my dash, and I hope that of all the Mother Teresa quotes, I’m following your footsteps:

“Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.”

– Mother Teresa of Calcutta

I wish this could have been one of those phone calls when I was just telling you how well everything is going and meaning it. Everything really and truly is good. I may not have everything I want, but I have everything I need at the moment. And I feel grateful not only for what I have, but also for what’s come and gone. Even if you’re no longer in an earthly body, even if heaven doesn’t exist and you’re not an angel, you were, still are, and always will be my mother. And because you loved me, you will always be with me. Love never dies.

Luceat lux vestra.