…I started this post on 16 December 2019, and I have to keep coming back to it. After posting Gimme Three Weeks, I started working on drafts for the series I mentioned, but life kept happening.
Time doesn’t stop; therefore, just when I think I have the not only the time but also the space, energy, motivation, et cetera to focus, some shit pops up that I have to address. And I am in no way complaining… just statin’ the facts, ma’am. LOLz
I count myself fortunate to be able to take care of whatever whack-a-mole of life is going on at any time. Sometimes it’s like Lucy and Ethel working at the candy factory… … …and I get through it.
When everything is calmer, I take advantage of the downtime by regrouping, but then it feels like I plan more than I actually DO ANYTHING as planned. Who really wants their throttle to be a wheel spinner? I just want to get somewhere, maybe even more quickly than reasonable, but I guess then I would miss the sights along the journey. And I guess it’s hard to get to an undefined destination no matter how many maps I draw.
On top of that, any stillness that allows me to reflect also opens the door for me to get caught up in my head… I feel like I have some things to unload from this past year in order to make any progress, so here ya go with one of those truths:
“All that is gold does not glitter,
– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.”
I have yet to unpack since I packed my suitcase and toiletry kit on 5 December 2018.
Truth be told, I have never fully unpacked because I didn’t feel like it, and who knows, maybe that’s also metaphorical though I mean it literally. It’s a little bit laziness but mostly knowing that for a while, I was having to repack within a week or so; therefore, with the exception of washing laundry or the change-of-seasons switchout, pretty much everything else stays packed.
My mom was hospitalized the same night when I packed my suitcase and headed overseas on business, and the soonest I could go back home (Northern Virginia) was 14 December. After she died on 23 December, I took leave on a combination of bereavement, paid time off, and unpaid Family Medical Leave Act, so I could stay with Chief Daddy to help him adjust, take him to his appointments (which was also needed for FMLA approval), and help my family take care of my mom’s unfinished tasks. I had the same week’s-worth of clothes for two months.
In February 2019 I returned to MY home (central North Carolina) and resumed working my job in corporate America. I drove up to see Chief Daddy every Friday after work and stayed until Sunday afternoon following Mass and lunch. Yes, it was a lot of driving, but I enjoy the time to myself. (FOUR HOURS OF ME! LIVE IN CONCERT ON WHEELS! hahahaaha) By summer, I was able to space out the weekend visits to every other weekend and also enjoy visits with my fiance until he and I are able to live in one place together.
I had a three-week retreat/hiatus/sabbatical starting on Labor Day 2019, but a series of events pushed my return date to 10 November. Again I found myself getting through a couple of months with only minimal clothes packed, but I made it; and truth be told, AMAZON PRIME helped tremendously when I needed items for the arrival of cooler weather.
I was home in NC for three days before venturing to NoVA on 14 November where currently I am still hanging out with Chief Daddy. He had a non-life-threatening medical emergency that yielded three weeks hospitalized followed by two weeks of in-patient subacute rehabilitation. Once more I am in the position of having a minimal wardrobe, but finding humor in what 16-year-old me would do differently if she could see me now.
On my birthday, BFF-T treated me and Chief Daddy to an impromptu dinner. We made plans on short notice because as she put it, “We didn’t know if you where you were!” hee hee hee But as Tolkien wrote, “Not all who wander are lost…”
Truth be told, on Sunday, I felt lost. Very lost. I needed help finding my footing in the present, and I’m still working on it. I wander, yet I’m not lost; but where I’m lost, I have no map.
If home is where the heart is, then I need to quiet my mind and give it a listen… maybe then I’ll spring out of the shadows…
Luceat lux vestra.
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