Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.” – Henry Kissinger
Picture captured by the subject of whom I was snapping a few pics
Dear Mommy,
It’s still easier to type to you and just let the readers of this blog see what I have to say.
I just celebrated my 52nd birthday! While looking for some notable 52s, like 52 white keys on a piano or 52 cards in a standard deck of cards, I found something else:
“Some believe that the 52nd birthday is a time of when you are drawn into greater authenticity and become more like an angel on earth” or “Some believe that the 52nd birthday is a time of metaphysical rebirth, where you shed your false self and become more authentic.”
In September, Tacos and Tiaras celebrated our FIFTH birthday! I was all set to write a blog post, but Chief Daddy was still stuck in skilled nursing rehab… I couldn’t figure out how to make time for a new post, and honestly I really wasn’t feeling called to write. The post would not have been any different from the fourth birthday post (except for writing without reflecting on Jimmy Buffett’s death), and I knew that it would only show me how far off track I had gotten.
I left it alone, knowing that when I felt called to write, I would. And that everything that needed to be said would have already happened. And that I should allow instead of chasing. And here we are.
One of the things that stands out in the fourth birthday post is the last paragraph: “I feel grateful for another year of ALLOWING the flow because I arrive where I’m supposed to be and with everything/everyone aligned with my mission and purpose. And I feel grateful for everything that’s already on its way to me even if it’s still just around the bend and not yet in sight. 💜 🕯️ 💜”
When Daddy died in December, I felt both sad yet grateful. I said my heart would have been breaking except that I felt so relieved for him to finally be released from his earthly body. He didn’t really have failing health, but dementia was progressing. While he was in rehab, it clicked one day. We were approaching six years without you on this plane of existence, and I wondered if it was even possible that Daddy and I were given the last six years of his life to make up for the time we didn’t have together during the first six years of my life. You know that I believe that coincidences DO NOT exist.
We had a third and final appeal with Medicare about covering the latter part of his stay at rehab. I kept thinking of what Daddy told me after you died, how you had worked so hard for him to get 100% disabled veteran benefits before you died. We did our best to fight for him, and when I was speaking to the judge in closing, I told her I was going to be completely direct with her about the impact to Daddy’s welfare – if Medicare would not cover his stay, then it would severely impact his ability to live in a safe and nurturing environment.
I felt it after I said it. I had put it out there to The Universe. We needed Daddy to be taken care of, and going through this situation with Medicare felt like we were doing the same as you did for his disability benefits. We were speaking Daddy’s love language – acts of service. We love him and weren’t going to let rehab just have his money. I know you heard me asking you if you were proud of us.
On the day that Daddy died, the signs were there… signs that dementia was progressing again, signs that he was slowing down, signs that he wasn’t going to be around much longer… I just didn’t know he’d be gone four hours after I said goodnight to him.
And you know how deliberate or even OCD I am with making sure that departing words or hanging up the phone, my last words are always “I love you”. I want my loved ones to know without a doubt that the last thing we said was, “I love you”.
I know you and I didn’t have that in the hospital, but it was true of our last phone call before I left for India and before you were taken to the hospital that night. I don’t know if I even told you “I love you” in your final days. It’s been six years!!! And the same date of our last phone call was the same date Daddy died six years later. And I know for certain that his last words to me were “I love you” because as I was leaving, he said it differently. I had to look at him longer. I almost didn’t leave. Not that staying would have changed his fate. I just would have been there. But maybe it would have changed mine.
When I was in high school and taking voice lessons, you wanted me to learn Romberg’s “One Kiss” from The New Moon. I hadn’t thought about that song until the previous new moon at the end of December, and here we are again in late January under the energy of another new moon. And I didn’t know it at the time, but the new moon that peaked on 30 November 2024 was aligned with the start of a new chapter for me.
You’re still with me through every chapter of my journey. You came to me in a meditation and delivered so much affirmation about my path. I feel your love in aligning everything to happen FOR me, not to me. And that I still have choices to make and sometimes picking one choice means I have more life lessons to learn, but everything nudges me back on track.
I’m back on track. I mean, here I am WRITING again. Unapologetically authentic. Recently Huckleberry said, “Omg. You’re back! I love you!” because as she said, I’m more like my old self again. I was lost. I was stuck. You can see the pattern in the dates of my posts. It was all temporary. And I don’t know if this site or blogging is part of the next chapter. For now it is.
Departures make room for arrivals. I could have felt lost after Daddy’s departure because he was my anchor for the past few years while I stayed afloat, drifting in a harbor, casting my net without knowing that’s what I was doing.
Daddy’s departure made room… and I feel so grateful for what has arrived and what is still on its way to me. I feel conflicted when I cry because it’s sadness and joy at the same time. I miss you both so much, but I feel happy for you to be reunited on another plane of existence.
Thank you for all of your love and all the ways you stay present in my life, all of the ways you’ve delivered what I need, when I need it. Much like it was when you were alive, sometimes you send what I didn’t ask for because you know how much I’ll appreciate it.
Love never dies.
I feel the weight of grief and the lightness of hope.
One day it just clicks. You realize what’s important and what isn’t. You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself. You realize how far you’ve come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover. And you smile. You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.”
– tinybuddha.com
My backyard today, 21 April 2021
I have to begin this post with gratitude. I feel grateful for this moment in which I feel like I am fiiiiiiiiinally able to write another post. I arrived at a point in today where I could at least START typing…
I feel grateful that I arrived at a point in my life where I am less likely to stress myself out because something, like writing a new blog post, didn’t occur in the timeframe that I thought I would. I have seen so many times how when I allow it to flow, all of the bits and pieces, including ones I didn’t know would be part of it, arrive and then I am ready to tackle the task or mission.
Today was exactly that. I was talking on the phone this morning while I sat on the patio, and as I listened to kind and loving words being spoken, a male American Goldfinch came up to the feeders. He was the first I’ve seen in months, and his presence felt like a nudge. I couldn’t remember what symbolism is associated with the goldfinch, so I searched my blog. I mentioned the goldfinch in four posts:
The Goldfinch Speaks, 13 May 2020 – This one did not mention symbolism, but one paragraph stood out like a reminder that I needed to see because of how I could say the same thing about my past week:
“I laughed and asked, ‘Why is everything a fucking metaphor?’ Seriously. My week has been one amazing thing after another when I am allowing them to come to me and happen instead of trying to make them arrive on what I think their timeline should be.“
Another beautiful reminder from the same post: “Every time I consciously and earnestly say, ‘Thank you’ I receive more for which to be thankful.”
Meditating with the Birds, 17 May 2020 – Reading this post today brought to mind something else. My post suggests that mindfulness and being fully engaged in the present moment can be achieved in different activities besides typical meditation in order to feel grounded; however, I feel some of my greatest peace (that launches more gratitude) in ordinary moments when I realize that I had been completely focused and not for the purpose of grounding.
The post also emphasizes having consistency and patience, especially when it comes to allowing arrivals. I only have control over my actions and thoughts and what I can do to invite an arrival, and from there, I have to be patient and allow.
Come As You Are, 9 June 2020 – I loved reading this and realizing how much unfolded since then: “My life has become magical, metaphorical, and mystical, and as the oriole reminded me, much of it comes from reconnecting with and continuing to heal my inner child. I’ve carried forward all of the things that brought me joy as a child. After many life and soul-journey lessons, some that made it easy for me to lose my way from my path, I’ve been working on learning, healing, and creating my future as I’ve always dreamed it.” Oh, if I knew then what I would experience this past week! 🙂
Come As You Are focuses on bringing our authentic self to all things, and at that time I mentioned working for change: “IF you read my blog regularly, then you know my calling is a storyteller, lightworker, healer, sacred rebel, priestess… Therefore, my purpose is to stay with the bigger picture so that it helps you to be who you are meant to be and come as you are to working for change.”
Being your authentic self is also key in another matter – aligning all the people, tools, and experiences that help us with our life purpose and mission. And also a final reminder from the post: ALWAYS BE KIND.
Timing: Arrival, Advent, It’s All Coming Back to Me, and I’m Still On My Way, 29 Nov 2020 – This post opens with the quote, “It’s a bizarre but wonderful feeling, to arrive dead center of a target you didn’t even know you were aiming for.” – Lois McMaster Bujold. In this post, I have a list of things that I didn’t see coming in the future, but they were all great things that happened FOR me and they arrived when I would truly appreciate and treasure their value.
This post feels connected to my most recent posts, Magic Moments: The Princess of Spring and Inviting and Allowing Magic Moments. Only six days ago I used the Paulo Coelho quote, “We have to listen to the child we once were, the child who still exists inside us. That child understands magic moments.” Two days ago I wrote my own quote, “Magic is in the heart of the believer.” The image on the post affirms, “I allow life to flow freely through me. I am open to experience this moment as it is.”
One more thing to bring forward from the penultimate post: “The Princess of Spring. Optimistic, Enthusiastic, Creative, Energetic. It’s time to go after your dreams. Do something that expands your horizons. Let your creativity take flight.” – Radleigh Valentine, Fairy Tarot. And my favorite part from the guidebook, “She exhibits an almost childlike exuberance for life that will have you smiling.” Agaaaaaaain, if I knew weeks ago how this message would play out over and over, especially this past week, I still might not have believed what was coming.
With all of that in mind…
In the past couple of weeks, but mostly since last Thursday, the day that I woke up and felt like it was going to be a magical day, I feel absolutely certain it was. Whether you want to call it praying or setting intentions to manifest, I have been receiving everything I dared to ask for from the universe. I am manifesting a life of abundance. Needs are met. Wants are few. I am living a happy, fulfilling, purpose-driven life.
Every bit of work I’ve done in the last decade to improve my mindset to invite abundance is paying off now. The keys? Consistency and patience in: living in constant gratitude, healing from past experiences that kept me anchored in the past and blocked energy flows, releasing fears or negative thought patterns that stemmed from someone else’s mindset… those are the first three things that come to mind, but I know it’s not just those… ALLOWING INSTEAD OF CHASING… gaaaahhhhh that was a big one! (That’s what she said! haha)
Those all are a part of being able to LIVE AUTHENTICALLY – hear what your soul is calling you to do as your life purpose and live it! Once I allowed my creations (blog posts, videos, images) to flow naturally in whatever way I felt they should be rather than what I thought others want or trying to follow a formula/model, I began creating my own unique work and building a following of social media friends who enjoy and appreciate what seems to be “The Princess of Spring” coming out of my creations.
I’ll affirm again in the same words I used in a previous post, my light shines brightest when I’m not trying to shine but am simply being… living… being me… interacting with others… doing my own thing…
… and I love how I feel from finding out through comments and interactions that what brings light and healing to others is so simple.
My laugh and my smile.
And those were never in what I thought was important for fulfilling my purpose and mission! Laughing and smiling… two of the most natural actions that I could do since I was a baby! I mentioned it before in LAUGHING: It’s Funnier When Someone Snorts or Pees Just a Little.
Things are falling into place and my mission keeps becoming clearer to me. And I feel grateful to everyone I’ve met and have yet to meet who in some way contribute to my fulfillment of my mission. I feel grateful that by shining their light, several helped me to get where I am especially by empowering me to step up and begin creating and posting content whether it was this blog site or one of my social media accounts.
I found the courage to take the first step… the second step… baby steps… LEAPS… regular steps… crawling at times… but always moving forward. I answered what I thought was my calling, but every success or failure keeps clarifying my true purpose as a healer and lightworker… a warrior woman… a priestess… a sacred rebel. And all of my gratitude invites more of what and who I need to keep doing my part to raise the vibration, spread LOVE, and heal the world.
I have a journal in which I kept notes from some of my card pulls. The reminders I wrote to myself on the title page come from Rebecca Campbell’s Work Your Light oracle cards:
“Warrior Woman. Have you answered your deepest calling?”
“Priestess. How are you being called to step up and lead? Let your life be your message. A leader has the courage to go first and shine a light on the path.”
