If you know me, then you read that in the same Ross Geller voice that I heard in my head. LOL And unlike Ross, I am not explaining or trying to convince anyone of anything; it was just a fun little self-entertaining way to title this post. 🙂
As usual, this in media res post is one in which I am not even sure where to begin because I have a million things in my head, and they’re all connected. I have to start with ONE thing, but then I have to pick the next and the next… and they may or may not be in chronological order, they may or may not be in order of importance although I will try to not ramble on “for eighteen pages… FRONT AND BACK!” 😉
In staying true to the inspiration from one of my strongest lights who helps me to shine:
“I just love that you put your heart out there. Not everyone does that.
– @instaheather.d in response to 17 July 2019, Instagram, @leeniegram9: I do so love my girl #iheartmypuppy #wednesdognight
WARNING: This is a slow ride, but you may want to wear a seatbelt and take some Dramamine. I started it on Wednesday, 26 February… Let’s see how long it takes to juggle other things while trying to keep up with my thoughts, hahaha
“Do not give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.”
– Paolo Coelho, The Alchemist
TLDR?
If you’re already feeling like this post will be too long to read because of time constraints, please come back to it when you feel called to be fully present in your moment and spend time with me on this post. It will be here. Just know, in talking with my heart, “it is well with my soul” and my journey is full of peace and contentment through letting my light shine. I am, in fact, feeling all-zen-and-shit.
Mercury Retrograde – I Brake for Breaks lolz
The current Mercury in Retrograde began around the 16th or 17th of February and continues until the 9th or 10th of March. My post, Do the Damn Thing NOW!, was just before Mercury started to look like it was traveling backwards, and I felt so happy that readers could relate to that post and feel inspired. I feel certain that writing a no-nonsense post directly from my heart is why so many people embraced it and shared it. I felt like I was singing in the stairwell and discovering my set of pitches that resonate and make my voice sound angelic LOL Gotta love stairwell acoustics.
Even though I was feeling a little hesitant to do so, I posted Ruts and Rollercoasters and After the Storm during the retrograde, and I mention these here because you may want to read them before continuing to read this post.
One of the ways to ride out a Mercury Retrograde unscathed is to step back and take time to simply be and “re” – review, reanalyze, rejuvenate, replenish, reflect, retreat… you get the idea. 😉 The last six months I have been doing this on different levels, but past week and a half, I have a new level of awareness and a NEW LEVEL OF BEING ALL-ZEN-AND-SHIT! The storm passed, and I see more details of the path before me.
Guidance
Even when I have a good view of my path, I often need guidance or reassurance. Sometimes I go to family, friends, or groups just to get out of my head and make sure that I am still making sense to others; however, sometimes I have no one to turn to because no one in my closest circle has been in my shoes – my crazy trail-blazing, formerly-reluctant-leader, no-rules-but-my-rules, I-don’t-fit-in-a-traditional-job shoes.
One of the things I do for grounding, which has been great for me in the current Mercury Retrograde, is I sit outside to watch the birds. Spending time in nature is good for the soul even if I only go as far as the backyard to walk barefoot or sit quietly, maybe even meditate under my Elon alumni oak tree that’s nearly 24 years old… from sapling to full-fledged tree.
I mentioned in a previous post that a northern flicker visited the yard, and I felt reassured when I read on AuntyFlo.com that:
“The flicker shows up as a spirit guide when…
– AuntyFlo.com
– You took the courage to live unconventionally but still attaining your goals.
– Not assuming but take everything into consideration.
– Exhibits great independence and unwavering wisdom.
– Experiences balance despite of disregarding traditional ways of life.
– There is no place to put ego first.
I have come to enjoy a sincere appreciation for my surroundings wherever I am even if it seems like a shitty or less than ideal environment. I feel confident that I am wherever I am because that is where I am supposed to be in order to find a meaningful lesson that is helping me to grow.
Sometimes it’s only in retrospect when I learn that an earlier inkling (intuitive nudge) in something ordinary is in fact meaningful beyond my ability to comprehend it in the moment. I write that shit down, look back, and realize it has significance as a guidepost or prompt on my journey.
This post’s photo grid shows the literal and figurative signs from my latest trip. As I drove towards my destination, these collective angel numbers and road signs added up to a great source of comfort for me.
- I took a selfie with the Pennsylvania sign and didn’t even bother reading it until I reviewed my pic. “Pursue your happiness.” Yes, everyone who passes this sign sees the same thing, but how many of us take it to heart? The message is directly in line with what I have been working on for months… years… my lifetime… I needed to see the reminder. Thank you, Pennsylvania!
- My odometer hit 55555… an intense and highly positive angel number about growth and success. I felt reassured that by staying positive, living optimistically, and feeling sincere gratitude for all that I already have, the universe is working with me to manifest beyond my latest new moon intentions.
- Carrie Underwood’s See You Again started playing from my Spotify playlist at 11:11. A meaningful song and an angel number (1111) that provided reassurance that everything in my life is aligned; I am on MY path and manifesting the life I want and choose to live and already know where I am heading.
- While listening to See You Again, I thought of one of my return trips from the same destination, which was the first time I heard this song. It wasn’t long after my mom died, so you can imagine how easy it was to feel the song speaking to me. This time around I felt reminded about how short and precious life is because…
- …the Flight 93 memorial was the next exit after the song started, and I felt like something was calling me to visit; but it was another 23 miles from the exit… (and I noticed the temperature was 23 degrees too, ooh!) and I wanted to get to my destination before dark. I mentally noted that I should make time to visit and plan accordingly. Angel number 1111 recurred in the form of a mile marker after I passed the Flight 93 exit.
- Angel number 222… I almost always “happen to look” when I am at mile marker 222 or 22.2 or exit 222… which is a reminder about SELF HEALING and forgiving not only others but also myself. Mile marker 22.2 on the Penna Turnpike came into view when I was pondering my internal compass for my life’s direction. Mercury Retrograde has actually been very good to me especially as I was returning to the site of my autumn retreat in Michigan.
I love hitting the open road where I can be with my own energy for hours of Leenie Live in Concert or Leenie Brain processing her own thoughts and feelings. On my way back from this roadtrip, my GPS was set to the fastest route and redirected me on a different path that I had not taken before, and I felt like I was experiencing a metaphor. I had been trusting Google maps more than my intuition… and the new route took me off the Penna Turnpike at the Somerset exit – the exit for the Flight 93 Memorial. I didn’t follow the signs to visit the memorial, but this felt like guidance that a visit to the memorial is not out of my way. I drove home seeing new sights of valley towns, countrysides, and rivers; I felt so grounded even if I was only passing them in my car. Maybe I am destined to visit the memorial, but on this trip, I received the guidance to purse my happiness because life is short, and I sell myself short by waking up and thinking the day will be anything less than extraordinary.
Divinely Orchestrated
Off the top of my head, I cannot pinpoint an exact event or moment to define my turning point when I accepted coincidences do not exist. The same is true for choosing to look for meaning in the ordinary; “seek and ye shall fine” and I do indeed find it.
As one who formerly held a skeptic’s view, I know this all sounds delusional, but it’s only crap if I abandon MY ROLE in my life and if I ignore a divine source giving me every opportunity to manifest the life I desire for me and my family in exchange for my service and commitment to helping others feel peace, contentment, less stress, more alive…
“Life is too short to simply ‘make a living’ if you aren’t actually LIVING your life.”
– Leenie
Attitude of Gratitude
I cultivated the habit of being grateful every night through the 30 Days of Thanks in November 2012. I stumbled back into the habit in January 2013 and stuck with it to the end of 2017. Years. YEARS that prepared me for 2018 and 2019.
My change in mindset is a HUGE part of being all-zen-and-shit, but I still falter with trusting my intuition. However, I have found tools, such as recognizing angel numbers and accepting divine timing, that build my trust or provide reassurance.
Sincere gratitude for all that I have and all that I desire has proven to be key in manifesting. Maybe I never learned how to pray earnestly, but I feel certain that the loving source that guides me is the same loving God that my parents trusted and tried to lead me to follow.
Digging down to the essence of a divine source has brought me the most peace ever. EVER! When my mother died, I didn’t feel a loss. I was fully present in each moment I had with her in her final days. I have neither apologies nor regrets. I didn’t even try to set my ego aside because it fell away on its own. She needed comfort and care, and when my brother acknowledged that I seemed to intuitively know what Mommy needed, I felt confident in what I was doing for Mommy and my family. I didn’t feel any stress over the juggling act of my parents, my children, my partner, my job… I was where I the universe needed me to be in order to achieve the greatest good.
My one episode of uncontrollable crying was when she was struggling in hospice, and I just wanted her to goooooooooooooooooooo! (Yes, imagine Joey Tribbiani at the Thanksgiving with Rachel’s trifle.) When my mom finally let go on, I felt her peace. I felt her relief. I felt relieved.
Heart Chakra Healing Meditation
I started with guided meditations by Rebecca Campbell, but in September I discovered some instrumental healing meditations for the seven chakras. The heart chakra healing meditation was the first one I experienced because I thought my heart was the part of my being that needed to heal the most.
What I love most about the instrumental meditations is that I cannot attribute the experience to a guide who used prompts to spark an idea or thought. All I have to do is breathe and be, and the rest comes to me.
On 5 October 2019, I sat outside to meditate. My most satisfying meditations are always outside – fresh air, sunshine or no sunshine, contact with grass, soil, tree… truly grounded. I have no sense of time when I meditate, so I cannot tell you how long it was before the waves drifted in with messages… I cannot recall how I came to notice Mommy coming to speak with me, looking same as she did the last time I saw her before she collapsed. She talked to me with her same comforting voice that she used when I was growing up and crying about having no one to play with or wishing for something but having no patience for it to arrive.
Mommy seemed almost like Glinda talking to Dorothy! These are my notes from immediately after meditating:
“She said my heart doesn’t need healing; it just needed to REMEMBER because my fear was in not knowing. It’s okay to live without having the answers. The uncertainty of future shouldn’t create doubt if I remember the past and understand that I am in my opportunity in this lifetime to see love never dies and the answers are all inside me. She is happy that I found meditation which is producing the same results she wished for me through prayer. She only knew her Catholic faith and wished the same for me, but she sees my path is clear that I connect with the divine this way. That’s what matters. She is proud of me for starting to truly shine my light… … … Keep working and keep shining because I am destined to arrive at where I want to be but I have to work hard and cannot give up so keep shining. Shining and sharing. It will come. Be patient. Believe. Trust. Love. Let go of hurts and wrongs of the past in this lifetime. Reuniting with love of a previous life is a gift. Love never dies. It’s time to enjoy the purest love and happiness in this lifetime. Don’t doubt how the universe conspired to bring you back together. Cherish it. Trust it. Love him with your whole heart because he loves you and may not remember the past life in his mind, but he feels it in his heart. He’s smarter than you that way. Think about what you said about forgiveness and speaking up for what you want and not being regretful for not trying. Love always wins.”
– Mommy
Tools
Well, here I am, getting close to the end of my points for this post. Earlier I mentioned tools that require going about my business but paying attention. Whether I see angel numbers, feel that moments were divinely timed, or see figurative and literal signs, those are the tools that come to me rather than looking for them.
My intentional tools are meditation and oracle cards. The cards serve as guidance rather than fortune telling. My most-used deck is Sacred Rebels by Alaina Fairchild. They focus on healing and becoming an authentic creator. I always thought that writing was “my gift” but ever since I stopped putting too much thought into things and started feeling and being, I have received the path that I didn’t know was mine!
While I was on my autumn retreat, I was using the Work Your Light oracle cards by Rebecca Campbell. They are what I needed for being able to become a Warrior Woman. “Have you answered your deepest calling?” Duuuuuuuh, I dunno what my deepest calling is!
Back on 3 July 2019, I started writing in a new Passion Planner. (Check out Angelina Trinidad and her vision behind these planners.) This is another instrument for manifestation, but in a more practical or logical package.
The planners provide space and instructions for mapping out goals on a passion roadmap, starting with a wish list and a prompt to write what comes to mind in answer to, “If you could have anything, be anything, or do anything, what would it be?”
I wrote in the four sections – 3 months, 1 year, 3 years, lifetime. I thought I had my answers. Thought. THOUGHT. We’ll get back to that. The Passion Planner allowed me the opportunity to live another quote:
“A goal without a plan is just a wish.”
– Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Earlier in 2019, my longtime friend, Val, suggested I read, The Power of Love: Connecting to the Oneness by James van Praagh. His Soul’s Journey lesson cards are what opened the door to exploring life beyond logic. This led me to another Hay House writer, Rebecca Campbell. After I read Light is the New Black and started using the Work Your Light oracle cards daily, everything began to click.
The books and cards provided an outlet for getting out of my head and beginning to trust my feelings, my intuition. Once upon a time, that had been a struggle for me because my mom had told me I led too much with my heart. I know she didn’t mean to stifle me with using intuition, and I am accepting responsibility for everything I learned the hard way because I know Mommy always had good intentions for me.
Balance of head and heart is how I got here. I am happy. I am genuinely happy.
During spring 2019, I made appointments for counseling through my employee assistance program. I felt broken, not because my mom died, but because I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I wasn’t grieving. I wasn’t inclined to say or do all the things I see other women doing when their mother died. I didn’t feel like saying “I miss her everyday” and I didn’t break down in tears talking about her. I almost felt guilty for feeling relieved when Mommy finally let go and was no longer suffering. I felt like maybe I had become too-zen-and-shit for not crying at the funeral home or at her funeral.
The conversations between me and Susan, my counselor, helped me tremendously. I felt a new sense of relief in spilling my story to her and hearing her tell me, “You are grieving. I can tell you’re grieving because…” And this wasn’t just a lesson in grief. This was a whole other lesson in how environment and expectations can really skew my view of myself. On a related note, this also brought about probably the shittiest thing anyone said to me after my mom died. I had confided in a friend that Susan helped me to realize that I am just a very even-keeled person and that grief doesn’t always “show” through a person falling apart. Their response was, “Yeah, you’ve been grieving. Believe me, we can all tell you’ve been grieving.” That stung for a moment until I tuned into it being their own need for healing and allowed it to fall away because it was not my issue. Being able to do that, to not allow environment to shake me, was a huge step.
Susan and I had an appointment in late June. My inner work from not only the books and oracle cards but also reflecting on quotes or memes that resurfaced via Facebook memories began to feel like a foundation… My last “theme” was “I’m-just-trying-to-be-all-zen-and-shit-2017”. YEARS of letting other people’s words and guidance lead me to living more mindfully and being able to handle all of the challenges of 2018 and into 2019.
22 and 23 June 2019 – My Brothers’ Milestones
On my way into town, I stopped at the cemetery to visit Mommy. I had my Soul’s Journey lesson cards and asked, “What lesson does Mommy want me to always remember?” Judgment. I understand that everyone has their own unique path and challenges.
My family celebrated one brother turning 50 and the eldest brother celebrating his last Mass as parochial vicar at one parish and moving to his new role as pastor of his own parish. On top of that, the middle child was experiencing his dreams coming true as a musician. He finished the first show at a new theatre and received a personal invitation from the composer to stay on an perform more songs for a gala.
My brothers were already pursuing their callings. And it didn’t escape my attention that 23 June was also EXACTLY six months after my mom died. I recognized the wake up call to figure out and pursue my calling, my passion. I THOUGHT I knew what it was, but ultimately it came back to what I already knew…
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
– Lao Tzu
Even today I am still letting go of what I THOUGHT I am… who I thought I was…
The Bigger Break
Passion Planner, oracle cards, inner work, divine timing, intuition, inner healing, manifesting, milestones… WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? And what the hell happened in India??? (I will get to that story.)
I was on Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) to help my dad after my mom died. (Details are in a past post…) By the time I returned to work, I was away from NC for two months. I was so happy to get back to my Keets and my doggo and kitter, but returning to the office was not easy. I was concerned about my dad being okay during the week, and initially I was driving to VA on Fridays after work and returning to NC on Sundays. On top of that, I was already picking up on a vibe. A very unwelcoming return.
In one of my sessions with Susan, when we talked about my brothers and how they were already pursuing their passions, she asked me my thoughts on why they were already living their dreams but I had not pursued mine. I told her, “I can tell you in two words. Knocked up.” lolololol
I started a family when I was 24 years old. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, and the only way I knew how to live was the traditional work in government or corporate America, and take care of your family. But I knew I had not been on a traditional path. I sat out a year before starting my degree, which was not as common at that time. I felt like a gifted writer, but not a creative writer. And it worked out for me.
Most of my career, I was using my degree as an editorial assistant, technical writer, or corporate communicator. I was great at it! And it was an expertise that I could use in any industry. My parents instilled a strong work ethic in me, and I became a go-to person for my writing and editing skills.
When Susan and I talked about “my calling” and where I was no longer happy at work, she helped me start digging. If I was feeling called to be an author, she suggested starting a blog. I forgot about my old blog! – my directionless random thoughts that fulfilled the call to share, but I didn’t have a solid life message.
In my next session with Susan, I had just gotten back from the Independence Day holiday and filled her in on how work had been going. For the first time in 30 years of working, I received a negative review. I wasn’t surprised, and I took it in stride because it was a clear sign that it was time for me to move on sooner than later. The holiday was a great break to sort through things.
A zillion paragraphs ago, I wrote about my 3 July passion roadmap. Under the 3 month goals, which would have been 3 October, I wrote two things: 1. Write a sample of 20 poems, and 2. Leave Corporate America. Guess which one came to fruition. 😉
My manager and I had a solidly honest conversation when I came back from holiday and another one a week or so later. What it came down to was so much respect and even love for each other, so much that we agreed our professional goals didn’t fit together and no hard feelings. I’ll spare you of all the details, but she and I were both relieved. We talked about what would work best, so I wrote my resignation letter for my last day to be 31 August. A whole month and a half away.
YES! That was scary because the universe was figuring out how to make things happen for me. FOR ME, not to me. (Right, Val?) 😉 I had written a goal to leave corporate America, and it was happening a month sooner. I barely had started any planning on how to make tacosandtiaras.com my job. However, I didn’t freak out like I might have years ago. I feel supported. I feel everything coming to me better than anything I ever could have planned.
My Michigan retreat was longer than planned, but I was able to do a lot of inner work, discovery, healing, and forming of new habits. The more I tuned in daily through meditation, oracle cards, Light is the New Black prompts for journaling, the less I had to try to peek through the veil on my deepest calling. And it came to me.
When I got back from retreat, I had only a couple of days in NC before I had to return to VA. Chief Daddy was hospitalized… yadda yadda… and I’m still in the house that built me.
If I had been working the same job, I would not have had the flexibility to be here for my dad. I got my big break. I was on a break. I am on a break. A few people have told me that it’s not fair that I put my life on hold for my dad, but it’s not. THIS is life. This is living. I’m going with the flow.
Now What?
I am where I am supposed to be. Even with all the uncertainty, I am still in such a good place now. As much as I was feeling lost earlier this month, taking a break has been good for me! “Needs are met, wants are few, I could not ask for more.” The things that would have made my head spin years ago? Eh, not so much now. I am all-zen-and-shit!
One of the Light is the New Black prompts and Work Your Light oracle cards presents: “How are you being called to step up and lead? Let your life be your message. A leader has the courage to go first and shine light on the path.”
I am a formerly-reluctant leader. I was chasing the “how”. Earlier this week, I participated in a tarot reading with Feeling Herd Healing. Amanda felt the call to use the Radleigh Valentine Fairy Tarot Cards for my inquiry. I asked for guidance on my business because I know what my soul is calling me to do, but I just haven’t felt certain on how to do it.
Amanda pulled “Seven of Autumn” which states on the card, “Have patience, and don’t worry! Take time to rest and plan your next steps. A prudent investment of time and money.” Well, dang it if that isn’t in line with kicking back a little during Mercury Retrograde! I appreciate all of Amanda’s comments and advice because it feels in line with this divine orchestration. (Note: I pulled a Sacred Rebels card on Wednesday……. “Restore and Replenish”) 🙂
In Ruts and Rollercoasters, I mentioned joining a new group under the leadership of Christie Bailey. Another impeccably timed component. Christie and I crossed paths years ago because of fitness, but our focuses and goals weren’t aligned until a few months ago. The group is the support I need so that I can stop chasing the “how” and let it come to me. I feel embraced by the common interest and common drive, and I feel honored to be contributing to helping others in their journey.
I am so in love with the feeling that the universe continues to conspire to support me when I ask for help and am sincere in my attitude of gratitude for all that I have and all I wish to receive.
Once more:
“How are you being called to step up and lead? Let your life be your message. A leader has the courage to go first and shine light on the path.”
– Work Your Light oracle PRIESTESS card
Luceat lux vestra.
