Tacos and Tiaras

I'm just being all-zen-and-shit

Reflection

In Media Res: Birthday Eve

Beginnings, Gratitude, Happiness, Hope, Love, Reflection

“I don’t mind getting older; it’s a privilege denied to so many!” – Chris Geiger

It’s technically already my birthday because it’s past midnight, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet. The date and time may show it’s Friday, 24 January, but I’ve got to sleep then wake up on my birthday morning for it to feel like it’s my birthday. I know y’all feel me on when the next day begins! hahaha

Last year my birthday was only 32 days after Mommy died. One might think that’s enough reason to feel miserable, but I didn’t. She was 87 when she died, so her life exceeded the average life expectancy. She spent almost three weeks in the hospital, and when she died (breathing stopped, heartbeat stopped), I felt her peace. I felt relieved that she was free of pain.

“I just sat there. I just held Shelby’s hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.”

– M’Lynn Eatenton, Steel Magnolias

So, on my birthday last year, I was still staying with Chief Daddy, and for the first time in who knows how long, I was able to celebrate ON my birthday with my BFFs. Dinner was so pho king good! 😉 We had a lot of laughs – THAT I remember although I forget what we were laughing about, but it reminds me of this:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

– Maya Angelou

So here I am on the eve of another birthday, reflecting on all that has happened during my last trip around the sun. My appreciation of time has changed. My BFFs made time to see Mommy in the hospital and to meet up with me for coffee when I needed to get away from the hospital campus. They went above and beyond with sharing their time for Mommy’s wake and funeral, and I feel blessed because of how they show their love for not only me but also my family. I could not ask for more.

I find myself thanking others for their time more than I did in the past. Even today, I met a friend for coffee to give him a belated New Year’s gift because I’ve again been staying with Chief Daddy. We sat and chatted for a half-hour, but when it was time for us to get on with the rest of our day, I thanked him for making time to hang out with me. He’s a Vietnam veteran living in the same small town where he was born and raised, and I count myself privileged to hear some of his tales. He and I joked that I lured him out with his favorite imported beer that’s not in any local grocery stores, but I feel honored that he was willing to spend time telling me about the town that’s been my home for most of my adult life.

This past year brought me to the point in life where I value quality over quantity where time is concerned. I have spent more time in the house that built me than I have in my own home. I miss my Keets, my doggo, and my kitty, and this week, I had a short trip to see them. It never feels like enough time, but in the mere seconds of getting to hug on them, time doesn’t get more precious than that.

“I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”

– Shelby, Steel Magnolias

Fifteen or so years ago, I read about “Blue Monday” as well as some bullshit calculation that 24 January is the most depressing day of the year. Lemme tell ya, which is a repeat for those who’ve known me more than a year or two, I have never felt sad or depressed on my birthday. I have never dreaded getting older. I was excited to turn 30, I kicked 40’s ass seven years ago!

“I don’t mind getting older; it’s a privilege denied to so many.”

– Chris Geiger

Yep. Forty-seven. 47. Here I am, and last week I saw news of a “study” that shows that the most miserable age is 47 years old. Shit, it’s even more specific at 47.2 years. WTF? I had to share that link on Facebook and LMMFAO. I’m too wrapped up in being all-zen-and-shit to have the capacity to be miserable. I’ll have to write a separate post recounting the past year’s events and practices/habits that facilitated being all-zen-and-shit. And I absolutely couldn’t have done it without the support and encouragement of my beloveds.

The January 2020 new moon begins at 16:42 EST, and this new trip around the sun is already lined up to be fabulous.

“When the New Moon lands on your birthday it signifies a time of new beginnings. The year ahead for you will be about planting seeds and laying the foundation for the road ahead.

The year ahead may also be one of introspection, where you are deciding what it is that you really want for yourself and your life moving forward. You may also have to make some changes and do away with things that are no longer serving your highest good.

When your birthday falls on a New Moon your ability to create and manifest will also be high. While you may not see the fruits of your labour just yet, you will be at a highly magical point to manifest and start creating all that you want to see and experience in your life.

– Tanaaz, ForeverConscious.com

So shall it be. 2020.

P.S. I gotta post THEN sleep THEN edit…lololol

Luceat lux vestra.

Someone Else’s Needs

Compassion, Kindness, Love, Luceat Lux Vestra, Reflection

Olaf’s Wisdom (even if he doesn’t have a skull… or bones LOL) [click image to view scene on YouTube]

“Love is putting someone else’s needs before yours.” This scene from Frozen provides a simple and accurate definition of love.

This time last year, my family and I were catching our breath after Mommy’s funeral. Over the course of 2019, I’ve recognized various situations that verified Olaf’s statement. They go hand-in-hand with the idea of how “I love you” can be said in other words or through actions.

I admit that I feel uncomfortable when someone tells me, “You’re a good daughter” because of my role in taking care of my parents. I couldn’t figure out why it bothered me, but on Sunday, something clicked. I’m not only uncomfortable but also sad. What feels (for me) like the obvious course of action is regarded as a choice by others. I don’t even feel like it’s an obligation! They’re my parents, and I love them.

Chief Daddy likes to get on my case because I don’t go to church, so whenever I offer to drive him there, he says, “I thought you don’t go to church”. And I tell him, “I don’t, but I’ll go with you because I can just sit with you while you do what’s important to you.” And by some divine orchestration, I always seem to show up when I can relate to the readings.

The readings on Sunday, 29 December (click here) were in celebration of The Holy Family: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Mind you I paid little attention to readings as a child, so I doubt I even subliminally heard any messages and took them to heart. [By the way, why are kids the only ones allowed to eat snacks and sleep during church services? And shout out to all the infants, toddlers, and young children who made it through Mass without a peep! I’m too old to get away with throwing a tantrum!]

The second reading caught my attention when I heard the lector mention “compassion” and “patience”. A later verse also mentioned the somewhat controversial “Wives, submit to your husbands” but if folks would read beyond that, the advice to husbands is to “love your wives”. [I’ll have to do another post on this, but it’s about my position on how love is not unconditional in marriage.] I appreciated the rest of the verses about children obeying their parents, and parents not irritating their children. It all comes back to kindness.

I hadn’t noticed the first reading until I searched for the readings, but Sirach 3:12 spoke directly to me. “My son, take care of your father when he is old, grieve him not as long as he lives.” As a nonbeliever, I don’t take care of my father because the Bible advises it. Why do I do it? Because without my mother or father, there would be no Leenie.

My parents put their children’s needs before their own, and while my mom was dying and now while my dad continues to recover from his hospitalization, I’m living the example they set. It’s not an obligation; it’s not a choice. It’s love.

Luceat lux vestra.