“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
– Lao Tzu
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
I started this post months ago, but as usual, I got stuck in trying too hard rather than letting it flow. I may have even… no… I had fears about putting this out there.
So I left it alone.
When I started a new page, Less Dogma, More Dharma, for this site (and I’m still writing it), I realized this post would go hand-in-hand with it, but another foundational page came to mind, Being All-Zen-and-Shit.
…so here I am.
As it turns out, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. I love how things continue to line up as long as I am honoring my promise to keep writing, keep flowing, keep sharing. Another divine orchestration. Another lesson in allowing instead of chasing or trying to make something from my head instead of my heart.
Lemme dive right in, and you can swim with me if you wish. Letting my light shine and helping others to be all-zen-and-shit means sharing my experience – shining a light on where I’ve been and letting others know, they’re not alone. My hope for every post is that it helps others find their own way to their light so we can shine brighter together.
Some of the pieces of this post may feel familiar for anyone who has managed a family on a single-income household or is/was in a relationship where you ignored flags.
If someone told me sooner that I was going through more than stress, maybe I would have navigated more easily. Then again, if those things had not happened for me on my path, I might not have been sharing with you in this way now.
If this piece of me resonates with you, then my wish for you is that you receive what you need by way of what I wish someone had shared with me years ago.
I can relate to people who “suffer in silence”, but with a strong support system, we don’t have to deal with it alone. I am ever grateful to my circle of closest friends. I was slow to mention to them when I learned that I was dealing with anxiety, but over decades we built our sisterhood on an unwavering foundation of love, honesty, and trust. And I had to trust my gut telling me it was okay to confide in them. I am certain they knew, but didn’t realize how bad it had gotten until I told them.
It is so easy to dismiss how we’re feeling or try to hide it for whatever reasons – not wanting to burden others, not wanting them to worry, not wanting them to make it a bigger deal or make it less significant, avoiding opportunity for them to judge you or start treating you differently, not wanting to appear weak because of how society paints the picture of anxiety…
I know that I could have trusted my circle if I told them sooner, and I am grateful that they trusted me too – that I would come to them when I was ready.
Sometimes people notice my behaviors or patterns or changes before I do, but I appreciate my friends’ patience in waiting for me to realize I was experiencing anxiety and, when I was ready, bring it up to them. It’s like we finally shared a collective sigh of relief, which usually ends up being pretty humorous. At least for me because I hear Rachel saying to Phoebe, “Why didn’t you tell me???” lolz
My annual physical appointment – when the medical practice added a mental health survey to their check-in process – the nurse handed the iPad/tablet to me and explained that they introduced this survey because of blah blah blah statistics on mental health and yadda yadda yadda. Essentially they were offering patients a service of a high-level assessment of potential mental health challenges/issues and offering suggestions/plans for dealing with them.
The questions were typical of a screening – a survey that looks for the presence of the broad array of potential issues. When my nurse practitioner (NP) came in and reviewed my responses, she asked more questions. I thought nothing of it because I had no major events or changes going on in my life. I had been divorced for several years; my children and I were happy and healthy; my family and friends were all doing well. Life was good!
I didn’t know life could be better.
I didn’t know I could feel better.
I didn’t know that my feelings while hustling to handle everything were okay but that it was more than stress when they continued even after I checked off items as complete.
My NP advised me that the screening suggested that I had mild anxiety. She talked about what I identified as my causes of stress and the related symptoms, potential health issues that stem from stress and anxiety, and possible treatments for anxiety. At that point, I had already added nutrition and fitness to my lifestyle, and I felt that I was able to use running and Turbo Jam to manage stress.
“Exercise gives you endorphins; endorphins make you happy; and happy people just don’t shoot their husbands! … … … They just don’t!”
Elle Woods, Legally Blond
Exercise seemed to work fine for me! I burned up a ton of energy; I felt accomplished; AND I had that high from all those endorphins! I always had to make sure I didn’t workout too late in the evening or else I’d have trouble falling asleep. (Me, personally – If I didn’t need so much time for my muscles and joints to stretch or loosen up first thing in the morning, I would have been one of those “get up early to work out” people.) 😉 A great workout is both exhausting and energizing. Duality. Balance.
My NP accepted my response and supported me in what I was doing for stress management but offered to write me a prescription for alprazolam (Xanax). I declined because I felt confident that I was managing the work and life stress because I was doing everything that healthy people do – eat, sleep, go to work, take care of kids, take care of myself… I hustled to make sure we neglected nothing. However, I still didn’t understand or see in myself the difference between stress and anxiety. I tried to ignore that I was experiencing symptoms of anxiety… until they got worse.
Shit. I don’t even know where to begin. When the bits and pieces of our lives are not aligned with who we are and our purpose on this planet (again, check out Lauren Matera’s podcast, Front Row Worthy, and listen to the episode, “Is it Hustle or Align?” from 24 February), whatever doesn’t belong will present itself so that we can align, repair, release… do whatever it takes to bring relief and become our best version.
We have to uncover the origins of our issues and make the choice to change not only our situation but our entire lifestyle and ways of thinking. This remains ongoing… we have a lot of layers. And every step in the right direction is an improvement, and I am still digging down to the source instead of treating symptoms. This blog is part of my process for continuing to dig. Previously I was either blind to or in denial of the sources of stress that developed into anxiety, but everything keeps getting better with putting in the work to face it then let it go.
I think it was in spring 2015 when I finally accepted my NP’s suggestion to use alprazolam (Xanax) as needed. Situational use. I was also under the care of my PA (physician’s assistant) after my NP left the practice. We went through another survey, and I remember answering “yes” to a lot of his questions as well as describing how I felt in various situations, including times when I had too much time to think and overthink. Call me clueless, but I didn’t realize I had been having anxiety attacks. They were minor and quiet – heart palpitations, roaring in my ears, lightheadedness were my main symptoms. they happened often enough that my PA and I decided I should try to improve things with a daily low dose of sertraline (Zoloft).
This is not a one-size-fits-all. You need to have honest conversations with your primary care physician or other medical professional to determine what is best for you.
With mild anxiety, it’s easy to overlook and do nothing about it. I thought it was “just stress”. I tried to convince myself that I was still okay because I wasn’t trying to hurt myself or others. I wasn’t doing dangerous things. I was living a healthy lifestyle with nutrition and exercise and mindfulness. I even felt like I’d be insulting people with worse anxiety by admitting my own struggles or that they would take it offensively that I dare say I suffer from anxiety just because it wasn’t as debilitating as theirs.
Everyone deserves to feel their best.
Even though I established nightly gratitude in 2013 and had exercise to help, it wasn’t enough. It helped. It definitely helped. But I wasn’t dealing with actual problems and making changes. I wasn’t getting rid of the weeds at the root. I was merely making them disappear briefly, only to resurface.
I fell into a relationship in early 2013. Out of respect for the other person’s privacy of his journey and his own challenges to live better, I will gloss over the details. I welcomed this serendipity at first. I thought this was one of those “when you stop looking, it happens” types of things because in 2012, I was very content to be unattached and focused on me and my Keets. I dated without trying to find “the one”. On a related note, just before I met him, one other potential suitor “appeared” when I wasn’t trying to date, and he turned out to be the definition of “If it seems to good to be true…”
Trust the flags.
And in both cases, things did happen for me and not to me. I learned how to speak with conviction and full responsibility, owning my feelings without blaming or judging the other person nor shifting blame to me. I learned how to speak my truth with a constructive approach straight out of the gate. This was after learning from past interactions (whether in relationships or with others in general) when it felt like the other party was immediately defensive, and it would be an argument instead of a productive conversation. I was able to use words that weren’t emotionally charged. I was able to stick to facts and my perspective or feelings. If you’ve ever gone through counseling for relationships (for example: family, marriage, coparenting), you may know the value of using “I feel” versus “You make me feel”… I’ll get back to that in another post.
My anxiety while that boyfriend and I were a couple was avoidable if I had spoken up sooner or acted sooner, but even then, I was too gentle or too understanding sometimes. He had his own issues that I didn’t want to trigger, but it was at the expense of my own mental and emotional health. When the first red flag appeared, I should have honored my peace and let go.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
– Maya Angelou
Maya Angelou’s quote is so accurate, but I know I’ve been guilty of foolish optimism despite red flags. Women joke about overthinking or “girl brain”, but if our intuition is speaking to us, we need to trust it and spare ourselves of anything unnecessary.
I was also recognizing the pattern in my relationships – not just romantic ones but also friendships. Anxiety Girl was able to rise from toxicity and codependency. Some of you know her… she can be an enabler. She can try to fix things for everyone. She can be taken advantage of and take emotional, mental, and physical abuse because often she doesn’t even realize it.
If my PA and I didn’t start treating my anxiety, I might have ignored it even longer. I might have taken longer to start digging. But I didn’t. And that’s okay. I am glad I started moving along my path even if it would have brought me here sooner than later.
With sertraline as well as my all-zen-and-shit practices, I was experiencing less anxiety episodes. Outside of the relationship bullshit, I was starting to deal with some of my own inner work including self confidence without comparing myself to others. In 2016 I committed to my first National Physique Committee (NPC) competition. My main goal was to stick to a competition prep and get on stage, but it was also a means of overcoming other points of social anxiety. I would have to go to the gym and do my thing… not worry about other people judging me or me judging other people… I would eventually have to go on stage and actually be judged, but I would be focused on my own accomplishment of setting and meeting a goal. My closest friends knew I was in prep, but I didn’t mention it on social media until after the competition. I was beginning to find balance in remaining honest but not having to post every fucking thing on Facebook and Instagram.
I appreciated the support as well as the opportunity to inspire others to set goals, create plans, and crush the fuck out of their goals. For me, placing 2nd and 4th in two categories was a nice bonus for sticking with a commitment. However, I allowed my boyfriend’s issues to restore an old behavior – avoiding my own alignment to accommodate him – and not only did I lose sight of honoring myself, but also my anxiety resurfaced.
I have gotten over kicking myself, but I feel this is important to say for someone out there: Honor yourself and your needs, and the right people in your life will do the same for you.
On the bright side, I was able to shift more focus to my inner work and other ways of tackling “demons”. I was also holding less space for my boyfriend and breaking old patterns. When I arrived at the conclusion that breaking up would allow me to be me and be happy, of course my confidants were relieved that I finally was ready to face it .
My self confidence was coming back because of the work I was doing to change my mindset and to CARE about myself. I was still on low dose sertaline, but aligning my life was reducing my anxiety and stress. We had a friendly break up with intention of remaining friends, but new red flags made it clear that I had to cut ties with him. (I have been all over the place in this post, so I will get back to a dedicated post about relationships.)
When we let go of one thing, we make space to receive what we need, especially to receive what aligns with who were are and who we are becoming.
Alprazolam and sertraline worked to get me into a state where I could explore and address and heal the things that made it easy to go from stress to anxiety. My practice of being all-zen-and-shit might have taken a little longer, but it played out as it should. I weaned off of sertraline successfully, and I feel proud of my lifestyle that allows me to handle stress without anxiety.
I know this was a long post and I skipped around a lot without warning you to take Dramamine. I know I merely touched on a few things, and I intend on writing more about them in future posts.
If you feel like getting in touch with me about anything I mentioned above, but with more privacy than commenting on this page, please send an email to: tacosandtiaras007@gmail.com I appreciate your feedback so that I can get to the bits and pieces that will help others come to live more peacefully.
Luceat lux vestra.
