Happiness, Love, and Marriage

So be like I, hold your head up high
Till you find a bluebird of happiness
You will find greater peace of mind
Knowing there’s a bluebird of happiness
And when he sings to you
Though you’re deep in blue
You will see a ray of light creep through
And so remember this, life is no abyss
Somewhere there’s a bluebird of happiness

For life is sweet, tender and complete
When you find the bluebird of happiness
You will find perfect peace of mind
Knowing there’s a bluebird of happiness
Two hearts that beat as one
Beneath a new found sun
We are in a world that’s just begun
And you must sing his song, as you go along
When you find the bluebird of happiness

And when he sings to you
Though you’re deep in blue
You will see a ray of light creep through
And so remember this, life is no abyss
Somewhere there’s a bluebird of happiness”

– Jan Peerce, Bluebird of Happiness

On Monday, my return to work after giving myself a “staycation”, I felt like I lost my rhythm in writing blog posts. I felt inspired by the bluebirds standing out so brightly on a gray day, but I felt lost in so many thoughts; so I stepped back and let it be. I worked with my thoughts by brainstorming in my Passion Planner, especially after I had a new realization about being all-zen-and-shit. (I’ll get to that another time.) As for a blog post, I remembered my rhythm is allowing instead of chasing… knowing it would come to me through my heart by letting go of the pull of the timeline in my head… And here we are.

Today is my parents’ wedding anniversary, so happiness, love, and marriage have been on my mind this week. I feel certain that one’s happiness in life without romantic love or marriage is way better than feeling unhappy when you’re in a romantic relationship, which includes marriage. The best advice I received in my twenties was, “I would rather feel lonely and single than lonely in a relationship.”

I disagree with the idea that you have to “love yourself first before you can love someone else”; however, I feel strongly that you need to hear your heart before you set out on a journey that includes a partner. Your relationships help you to be your best and love yourself, and following your heart provides a better chance at the best-aligned people being in your life, as well as you being in theirs. We should be and be with the people who bring out the best in each other.

Before I ramble on with any other thoughts that brought me to today (because I feel all over the place today), I wish patience for everyone who is waiting, courage for everyone who feels afraid, and wisdom for everyone who feels doubtful. Happiness and love are our creations that arrive from how we live – products of our thoughts and actions. May we all have patience, courage, and wisdom in all areas of our lives.

My parents got married 54 years ago today. I admire any couple who “got it right on the first try” and I feel certain that my parents stuck together because in their wedding vows, their promise to God wasn’t one taken lightly. For my parents, religion was a part of how they lived not only as a couple but also in all of their roles.

In 2018 I asked my parents what was their secret to staying married more than 50 years (click the link to read my mom’s response) because my parents only knew each other for two weeks when they got married. That means it was less than two weeks when they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. And they did that. My mom died just before their 52nd wedding anniversary. 

We seem to view time as a component of a determining a relationship’s ability to last or its value/worth, but my parents, as well as other couples, have shown you can have a long marriage despite a short courtship. And on the flipside, I know couples who were together many years before they got married, but the marriage ended in divorce.

We seem to worry when young couples (teens and early twenties) get married because statistically the odds are it won’t last. We think they’re young and “don’t really know themselves yet”, but maybe we have a window of opportunity when we can still hear our hearts before our minds get too loud or outside advice mutes our hearts. A handful of my high school classmates got married within five years of our graduation and are still together. I haven’t asked them about their secret to staying married or if religious/spiritual life has a role in their commitment. And I feel certain that a couple’s youth shouldn’t be held against them when couples older than them, a “suitable age to decide to get married”, may marry and divorce.

Time doesn’t seem to make a difference when we bring our authentic self to the relationship. My closest friendships whether from childhood or adulthood are the ones where even though individually we grow and change, our hearts are still connected… we just “get” each other and can rely on each other. Then there are those friendships where we drift apart when situations change, but we were good friends during the time our journeys shared a path. I reckon romantic relationships and marriage can’t be compared to friendship, but I feel like the heart of who we are as a friend should be the same as who are as a partner.

I feel grateful for my friends, especially the ones who hear my heart without needing words.

Sometimes we need to recognize when a relationship/friendship has run its course. What’s that saying about just because you invested in a lot of time in something doesn’t mean you need stick with it? Or something like that… Moving on may not feel easy, but it’s temporary and it gets better, especially when you have friends and loved ones to lean on throughout your journey.

You have to hear and trust your heart’s wisdom and guidance in creating your happiness and loving yourself and others. Somewhere in there you also have to find balance of self care as well as putting ego aside to see another person’s perspective.

When it comes to relationships, some people are able to grow together and stay together through each other’s changes. Maybe what is underlying and unseen is not only commitment but also their authentic selves, their hearts, spoke the “pure Language of the World.” Being our authentic self should be the same no matter what role we’re serving – child, parent, spouse, partner, friend, neighbor, co-worker – I mean, we have appropriate behaviors for each setting and role, but the heart of who we are stays the same.

In a world of where it seems so easy to treat things, including relationships, as disposable and getting rid of what’s broken without much effort in trying to fix it, I wondered if the absence of religion or spirituality in not only marriages but also relationships in general is the difference between ones that last and ones that get cast off, but that couldn’t be true. I found the most beautiful honoring of marriage and life in Ann Druyan’s words when she reflected on her husband, Carl Sagan, and the life they shared. A marriage without a god, but parted by his death in 1996.

One of my friends is in an on-again, off-again relationship. Some of his friends have their heart in the right place with wanting him to avoid feeling hurt if “on” switched to “off”… again… but that also means he would avoid feeling happy too… for however long that lasts… even if he had another breakup. If a friend isn’t in danger with their partner, why try to discourage him from his willingness to put his heart on the line and take a chance on love?  

Life is meant to be LIVED, ups and downs, starts and stops, successes and failures, trial and error. When you have the best-aligned friends, loved ones, or a partner to share your journey, your happiness, and your love, maybe that’s the sign you’ve found the bluebird of happiness in your own heart.

Luceat lux vestra.