One Year Ago: Same But Different

It’s been exactly one year since my last day as an official corporate employee, and it reminds me that my perception of time is often skewed. Time can feel like it is flying so fast, trudging in slow motion, or coming to a stop – all depending on a situation, often based on trying (or not trying) to get to whatever comes next.

Gaaaahhhh I don’t even know where to begin with this babble, except that this morning, Christie “reappeared” on Facebook after a little break, and her post reminded me that today I have an anniversary! Now and then, our paths have crossed with such timing and undeniably that coincidences do not exist. I had mentioned this timing previously in Ruts and Rollercoasters.

In the same post, I wrote about Joey and Pacey where Joey talks about “running from it, never ready for it”, and I still feel the same. “It” isn’t just relationships. In the past year, I’ve found some truth to how we sometimes run from the things that we should be running towards.

A year ago, I thought writing and maybe life coaching were my next steps. I started this blog and felt my way through writing posts and using social media. In the first few months, I started to get in a rhythm until my dad was hospitalized. So, boom! Another unexpected change, another opportunity to go with the flow of the unplanned and learn to adapt and let go of the idea of how things should be.

After the New Year and things were settling down again, I was feeling more grounded and into a routine at my dad’s house. I felt so much trust in divine timing, allowing instead of chasing, everything happens for us instead of to us… I was still feeling called to shine my light through writing, but a piece was missing.

Instead of chasing, I started allowing. Some of this goes back to what Joey said about running away and not feeling ready… but for me sometimes running means chasing what I think because I get so out of touch with what I feel. I received guidance through several spiritual leaders and my own practices and rituals that made it easier for me to allow – allow things to just be or allow things to arrive. I also finally watched The Secret which helped me with the shift it my mindset for being positive because our thoughts are what we manifest.

In the past year I also learned the value of letting go what no longer serves us – items, behaviors, people, ideas – you name it! Anything that takes up space and energy without a positive purpose, we need to let go. OMG, I’m giggling right now because we’re already in the full moon energy and here I am releasing these thoughts that were cluttering my head today. The next full moon is Wednesday at 1:23 AM EDT. Full moons are for releasing what no longer serves us. Ever since I started taking serious action with decluttering my living space, more of my intentions have manifested. The flow of what I need arrives when I need it.

Alignment. Aligning our lives for our highest good and to fulfill our mission or purpose. That also has been flowing. And when it happens, I don’t usually notice it right away. It happens softly… quietly… Like, it just sneaks up on me!

Earlier this year when I was chasing what I’m supposed to be doing, such as this blog, I thought that being-all-zen-and-shit was what I had to offer. In Christie’s coaching group on Facebook, one of our first actions was to record an introduction video to get to know each other in the group. One of the points of the exercise was to get over any fear of being seen and heard. This morning when I saw Christie’s post, I remembered a thought from this weekend when I was uploading videos to YouTube. Back when I recorded my video for her group, I did it without fear, but I felt awkward talking about myself. Right, but here I am with a blog and writing about my experiences and feelings.. and even this hasn’t felt natural. But posting my videos has felt easy and natural.

One of the concepts that I’ve seen to be true in the past year is JUST GET MOVING and everything falls into place. My videos are me singing. And they’re not perfect, especially because a lot of them (mostly on Facebook until I move them to my channel) highlight my silliness because of how I deal with my mistakes through laughter, growling, and saying “fuck” a lot.

I was telling my Huckleberry this morning about allowing instead of chasing and with letting go of what no longer serves me has been magical with everything that’s been aligning. That includes my reignited passion for music. I had forgotten that both writing and music took up the majority of my time when I was growing up, but by the college years, I demoted music and pursued English to be practical (i.e. don’t become a starving artist). I realize writing is a support piece for my mission/purpose. The biggest difference in understanding my purpose is I’ve learned that I had been so stuck on seeing things in a traditional light instead of embracing my power to create as an artist. Why not be an artist of my own life and create my own opportunity?

And that’s still unfolding but becoming clearer now that I’m no longer chasing ideas. The more I’m allowing things to be and become, the more aware I am of what makes me light up and how that is connected to my calling. And what’s been common with all ideas has been healing and humor. I also recognized that part of what has been clicking is being unafraid to share myself going through a process instead of a final product/project. I feel like it’s been the unsaid offering in my videos – we all make mistakes/errors before arriving at the finished piece. Sure, I laugh and cuss a bunch, but I’ve enjoyed sharing that and getting others to laugh with me. “Life is too important to be taken seriously.”

Right now, I’m enjoying the ride while getting to the destination of fulfilling my mission as a healer. Yup, that’s what I said. And that’s all I’m babbling about it for now. But this past year has been full of learning and growing. Much of it comes from LIVING instead of thinking and assessing. I really was my own worst enemy in that way because I’d get caught up in what could go wrong instead of what could go right.

When things felt like they were falling apart, other things were shifting into place. And I feel happy. And grateful. I feel so much gratitude, especially for the people who have helped me arrive here by encouraging and supporting me.

One year ago… so much can change in a year, but as much as we may say, “I’m not the same person I was a year ago”, I don’t feel that way. I less often say “I am” about my emotions because that’s being. You’re more likely to hear me say “I feel”. And that’s temporary. The things that I am, I always have been, but my actions and feeling might indicate otherwise. What I’m trying to say is I AM the same person I was a year ago because it’s who I am on the inside, not defined by a job or a role or an emotion. If I have any comparison to myself from a year ago, I wouldn’t even say I’m a better version of myself. I feel more aligned, authentic, enlightened, and aware. I may think and behave differently than I did a year ago, and yeah, I’m feeling all-zen-and-shit.

Luceat lux vestra.