You Don’t Have Forever (Sail on, Mary Ellen)

“‘Cause you never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don’t.”

– Grey’s Anatomy

I intended to use this quote about final times on Monday, but when I remembered it was Connie’s birthday, I felt the nudge to write, LAUGHING. The timing was there – everything I noted in the post itself.

Since the full moon on 31 October when I did my release ritual then set new intentions, I’ve been going with the flow… allowing, not chasing… letting the universe align everything and following its calls and nudges for my actions… I clarified some of those intentions on 11-11-2020, which I touched on in REMEMBERING.

I had no topics planned for writing blog posts, but they came to me:

• Waiting (and Learning Patience) on 4 November
• SMILING: Friendship, Gratitude, and Love on 7 November
• LAUGHING: It’s Funnier When Someone Snorts or Pees Just a Little on 9 November
• CRYING: Because Sometimes I Feel Blue Even on TnT Tuesday on 10 November
• REMEMBERING: Thoughts Prompted By Veterans Day on 11 November
• LISTENING: But Are You HEARING and UNDERSTANDING? on 12 November

So yeah, that brings us to today, Friday, 13 November. When I look at my list, I see that once I unblocked what I needed to by releasing what was just taking up space, I received an abundant flow – inspiration from people who raise the vibration, meeting new people, ideas that flow from one to the next.

I see the meshing of past and present but without knowing the future. Your future will arrive as you design it, and you can get a glimpse of the future simply by knowing the typical cause and effect, action and consequence… y’know, a logical flow.

Sometimes things seem to come from out of the blue – receiving Facebook friend requests that turn out to be your friend you didn’t know you needed, getting an impromptu invitation to a gathering, making new connections at the event, finding old and new connections are more than you expected, receiving opportunities that seem to fall in your lap – and all of this happened for me since the last full moon.

Even with as much logic there is in all of it, I also see and FEEL the magic of the universe delivering what I asked for, with gratitude for all it already delivered, and with an open heart and mind of not knowing how or when more would arrive but with trust that the universe figures it out for me and delivers. Divine orchestration. Coincidences do not exist.

This morning I got home from a meeting with one of my new connections, feeling elated about more than one opportunity to help each other. I sent messages to a pair of my beloveds to tell them the good news. Call it an answer to each others prayers or manifesting what I asked for, but I felt so much gratitude that I felt compelled to say out loud, “God is good. The universe is so good to me.” And then I noticed it was 11:11. Thank you, angels.

I felt the pull of sharing all of it in a blog post as I just did in the preceding paragraphs, but my login was being a shithead and locked me out, advising me to try again in five minutes. So I went to see what was on Facebook. This was only MINUTES after I thanked the angels, and that’s when I saw an R.I.P. post. I felt my vibration drop at the rate of the fuel gauge needle when the tank is three-quarters empty. Yes, my heart sank, but coming from a high vibration, the news didn’t bury the needle.

Dear Mary Ellen,

Well, this sucks because I was going to tell you that you came to mind this morning when I was in a meeting. While I was talking to a potential new client about their documentation, memories of working with you on SOPs popped into my head. I mean, yeah, that seems natural, so I dismissed it.

I even delayed texting you because I wanted to get this post out and ask you to read it because you’ve been one of the kindest and most supportive friends anyone could ever be blessed with in one lifetime. I wanted you to know you were with me in my thoughts in that meeting! I reckon you already know that and are giggling because you’re already doing some guardian angel shit… I’ll listen for the bell.

I can’t remember what date or even what year it was that you met me and Lala at Martinho’s to have lunch and catch up in person. I guess it didn’t occur to me to write that shit down because I thought we’d meet up again.

As much as people these days are saying how much they hate Facebook because of so much nonsense, I found myself loving the availability of viewing our friendship as documented by posts and comments or searching my timeline for “Mary Ellen”. All of the birthday posts you wrote on my timeline. All of the “thought of you” memes and videos between us. And they’re still pretty fucking funny even while I’m sad to know we won’t have another meet up at Martinho’s.

You knew me well, and I feel so grateful for our friendship and everything that I guess you are literally taking to the grave. You can count on me to do the same. You were more sister to me even though our age difference could have made us mother-daughter friends. (Writing in past tense about you doesn’t feel right.) You and Lala didn’t get to ride horses together, but at least you spent time together. She’ll remember you. Fondly too. You get her. You were so proud and supportive of my Marine even before he left for Parris Island, but we let opportunities to get together slip by… and I never got around to asking you how you know his BOOT brother, the one who I suggested he go and visit up in Quantico soon… and maybe this is the nudge he needs to remember that we don’t have forever.

Four days ago I shared that Grey’s quote about “you think you have forever but you don’t”. Today I grabbed the picture of us from NMLPW 2006 or 2007 when we served together on the committee. I put it together with my comments from the post. I feel sad that it all fits together, but I sincerely feel comforted knowing that as much as we thought we had forever to have another meet up, we never missed an opportunity to shine for each other and that we didn’t let our last lunch together go without saying “I love you” while we could still hear each other. Until we meet again…

Luceat lux vestra.